It's hard when you have feelings for someone..and inside of your heart..you have no feelings for yourself and no hope left to give a shit to repair itself from past hell experiences..to have enough trust or love..to believe someones true feelings for you. do you know what I'm saying? How do i fix this?..how do I bring myself out of every fear that lead me into my own hell?
how can i get past the demons that blinds me from letting myself or someone else in for repairs?
..how. believe me..not trying to be nuts here,but this isent my first life.
things are hard..and when you remember everything..
and live twice in pain. repairs..to ones heart..seems like a task that will never end.
i want to love,but it seems that i can't.
I can't because i hurt too much.
I can't because i hurt whoever wants to love me.
Because..I can't open up..do to chains of fear.
This isent how I wanted things to be.
not then,not now..not ever.
some can easily repair themselves..but..
some can't..and only some can threw another that will
battle endlessly to live for them,threw there
But,i think to myself.
I don't deserve that.
I actually never wanted to care for myself..
just others. and i think I done long-term
damage to myself by doing this.
I break,over and over again..never caring,
letting it go because im too busy with healing others,
or helping others.
That I let myself go to the point where I can't
fix myself...or my heart..my soul.
It's a habbit that formed..to not care..
and instead use everything i got,for someone else.
i can't stop.
And..I'm too far gone to fix myself back up.
I used everything up to fix others..to help them,
live and love..for hope to fight.
Never taking anything back,so they can have
it all to themselves,because i care about them
too much to let them waste anything on me.
i help..not wanting to be helped.
To give to not get it back.
It seems like a great thing to do.
but i didnt realize till now..
till tonight..how much damage that it had done to me.
I want to feel what others got from me..
to heal to let someone to give me..love.
there is only a reverse flow..i have no
intake. because of the damage.
I need to open up..
to take in and keep for myself and heal..
I built myself not to do this.
Only to give..but not to receive.
It's alot for me.
I was built threw pain..within 2
life times..to be like this.
I get joy out of giving.
this is why i done so.
its the only joy i ever got.
I dont take in,because of the pain,
that eventually comes and destroys every
joy i got in giving.
So,i shut it down.
But,for so long.
Can I ever be able to unlock that and take in,
I makes me so afraid..i shake..
i sweat,i get dizzy...
Everything floods in all at once.
It's like turning on an old robot..
that only does output now,instead of
input..but it has the ability to do both.
yet,its rusted..been shut down with locks that
have no keys.
and when someone tries to turn it on
to take in anything...it rattles around..
smokes..shreds gears..and breaks...then shuts down again.
It is unable to fix itself.
sorry for the rant.
I wish i had answers.
i just noticed today..
this habit i formed has been
going on for so long.
I threaten anyone to help me,
by the fact that I may not be
able to take in anything back.
Because i have always givin.
I want to know what its like.
for how long its been..
how much it hurts,
It's like i can't.
I can only give.